I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Randomize
