We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
