i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
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