I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
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