I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
