I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Randomize
