I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
