I'm sorry my penis didn't work
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Randomize
