some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
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