I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
