Banned from zoo.
Again?
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
