Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
Randomize
