The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
i want to swaddle you in tequila
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
