dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
