there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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