I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
Randomize
