I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
