erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Randomize
