so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Randomize
