I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Randomize
