What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
ttyl tear gas
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
