What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Randomize
