i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
