he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
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