theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
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