I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Randomize
