Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
