I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
If I go to jail what happens to my debt?
You dont have to pay it.
I'm going to jail.
I think I won the penis lottery.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
