Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
