false alarm. still invincible.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Randomize
