the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Randomize
