Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
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