i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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