How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I could fuck to npr.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
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