Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
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