Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Randomize
