I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Randomize
