I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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