I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
