He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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