mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
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