sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Randomize
