Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
