thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
