I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
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