He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Randomize
