I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Randomize
