Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
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