When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
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