Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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